The Business (side) of Grief
Grief is not something we talk about often in society. Half the time we don’t even know how to handle when someone is sick. When something is visible it’s easier to see, but it’s the invisible that is harder to understand. Rather than continuing to ignore it or pretending it doesn’t exist, I prefer to bring these topics to the surface.
About 9 years ago my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. There was an ocean between us. And while I knew of people with cancer, cancer had never been so close to me. (That’s a whole other journey you tend to only understand if you’re in it.) It also kicked off a series of triggers of me taking actions towards the work I do today.
I knew freedom and flexibility were core values for me. I wanted to be able to jump home if need be. That call came 5 years ago. I’m writing this blog post on the 5th anniversary of her passing. And while most people interpret that as dark and depressing, I think there is so much death, loss, and grief have to teach us. It’s a subject that is near and dear to me because death is something we ignore as a society. The night before she passed I was in tears and all I could say was “this is not how it is in movies and TV.”
When it comes to death, I feel like I had as “good” of an experience as I could have. I was with my mom. We had hospice care at home (hospice nurses are true angels). And I don’t know if it makes it “easier” but we knew it was coming (albeit much faster than expected in the end), and the goal was for my mom to no longer be in pain. It’s also why I feel comfortable being an “open book” on this topic, as I want to share my experience with others to help show there can be beauty and growth through loss and sadness.
I’ve shared a lot about my journey, and my mom’s journey in the post “Surviving Loss” that I published on the year anniversary of her passing. In the bottom of that post I shared resources that helped me, and ones I’ve discovered since. As people discover my work through different channels, and this is a subject close to my heart, I wanted to share the resources again (and add to the list). While so much of this post is universal for anyone grieving—whether it’s loss of a loved one, a friend, colleague, pet, life you thought you’d be living, home, etc.—I also wanted to write something in support of those of us who are self-employed or working while processing grief. Grief can take away or focus, so I wanted to share what worked well for me, which I think is beneficial grief aside too!
After 5 years of reflection, the points below are what stuck out with me. They’ve helped informed my “new” way of working I didn’t see modeled before. It feels both humane, and supportive, and has led me to my best, most fulfilling work yet.
A couple months before my mom’s cancer became terminal I decided to leave the contract position I was in. It was not what I wanted to be doing, and I found the environment toxic. I’d gotten comfortable in the position, but knew I had to step into my next chapter. I’m so grateful I did when I did. I know my experience with grief would have been so different had I been miserable at work.
I unexpectedly took on another project as the one contract was ending. It was a different kind of work and more aligned with what I wanted to be doing, and my curiosities (heck, it felt like I was getting paid to learn). When the call came that my mom’s cancer was terminal the company and my manager were so understanding and told me to take as much time as I needed. Not having the pressure to rush back or think about a job made me come back sooner. It meant SO much having a truly supportive work environment.
I was an independent contractor at both positions, which did make it easier for me. For many people they need the security of heathcare and benefits. I needed the security of freedom, which for me meant the ability to take time off as needed—guilt-free. At the new position, I negotiated for a 3-4 day work week. Society tends to makes us feel shame for requests like this, but I KNEW from before I started this is what I needed to do my best work (mom with cancer, or not!). My brain needed time to process, and I wasn’t wasting mental space knowing I could step away should anything happen with my mom at any time. To be honest, I haven’t gone back to old ways of working with packed weeks since then. I also produced far more content than any other teachers who were working full 5 days a week (and the quality didn’t suffer). There’s a power in working less—it gives us time to process.
A loved one with cancer is a good wake-up call to check in with your own priorities, values, and what you want out of life.
When I did return to Paris/work I was grateful to have a project to work on that I LOVED! It was a welcome distraction from the sadness and gave me something to focus my energies on. Again, I was grateful for the 3-4 day work week because it gave my brain time to process all the new content I was digesting in order to teach, as well as the emotional ride I was on.
I honestly don’t know how people function with 1-week bereavement period. Just because you have one week off that does not make it go away. (There are also so many formalities to take care of; thankfully my dad spearheaded that and knew what to do.) I can honestly say I only functioned ~4 days a week for a solid 6-months so making me work more wouldn’t have helped anyone. I also probably cried daily for 2-3 months (I was never a crier), and while I was happy to be honest and talk about this subject from the start, I also could not predict when it would bubble up and spill out.
Everyone has such a different experience with grief. My story is only one journey. I worry many people compartmentalize or rush back to life to escape it. The sadness may come at different times for different people. And each year around certain anniversaries or special dates, it’s likely to surface again (the end of August always tends to keep me more on edge, as I know it’s coming).
I enjoy finding small ways to honor her each year (like this blog post). It sometimes is as simple as going for a walk.
I know my mom continues to be a support and guide for me in my life and work. It’s in a different form but when you allow yourself to process, make peace, and get quiet, there are forces out there working to support us.
My favorite nugget of wisdom came from a neighbor friend who told me to “look for the signs.” For her, her mother’s sign was a ladybug—she’d see them everywhere. For me, I found letters and journals (which were both unexpected and exactly what I wanted). The day I wrote the 1st anniversary post was actually the first day I remembered spotting hearts all around Paris.
Last summer I was in Maine and I know she orchestrated that (almost) all my relatives from her side of her family were there—something that only ever happened at her memorial service. There’s magic out there when you’re open to it!
Below are resources that I hope will help you or someone you know who is going through something hard. Keep in mind that often some processing needs to happen before even considering looking for support. Support groups and therapists are also great people to turn to, as well as reaching out to friends who have been through it.
Resources I’ve written about grief and loss:
“Navigating Grief when a Creative Role Model Passes Away” for 99U (the tips and resources in this article apply to all situations, not just creative role models)
“Surviving Loss: Demystifying death, and finding the light.” on Medium
Remembering Mom on Medium (the remembrance I gave at her memorial service)
Resources by others (the books marked with * make great gifts):
The Modern Loss Handbook: An Interactive Guide to Moving Through Grief and Building Your Resilience* by Rebecca Soffer (Note: There are two Modern Loss books, this is the one I have read, and while I did not read it when wounds were fresh, it’s surprisingly warm and welcoming for such a hard topic. You don’t have to read it cover to cover, but can flip through and find something you may need to read that day..)
Modernloss.com – website and community with incredible resources and explorations about different facets of grief you may not have considered.
What’s Your Grief? – online grief resource
Option B * (which a friend gifted me) was written by Facebook’s Sheryl Sandberg (author of Lean In) after her husband unexpectedly passed away while on a vacation. She teamed up with Wharton professor of psychology, Adam Grant to write Option B which is all about how to move forward when Plan A is no longer an option. There is also an entire online community at optionb.org devoted to helping people build resilience in the face of adversity. Through following their Facebook page, I learned that sometimes holidays are hard for people who have lost loved ones.
Nora McInerny’s TED talk “We don’t ‘move on’ from grief. We move forward with it” shares another way of looking at death.
How to write a condolence note on Cup fo Jo
Resources that get you thinking about death before death happens:
Being Mortal by doctor Atul Gawande addresses end-of-life care, particularly as our parents get older. It’s a master class in building empathy for others and thinking about care through fresh eyes.
When Breath Becomes Air by Paul Kalanithi is written from the perspective of a top doctor who knows he is dying.
What a death doula does to help you deal with death is a beautiful video produced by Refinery 29, featuring Alua Arthur of Going with Grace. More recently Alua has been on the podcast We Can Do Hard Things.
Final Gifts: understanding the special awareness, deeds, and communication of the dying by hospice nurses Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley pulls from their own experiences with patients. Rather than fighting, often the dying want to make sure those near to them are ready, but we don’t always know how to look for those signs. A neighbor gifted this to me, and while I read it after my mom’s passing, I think many people would benefit from knowing what to expect in the final days.
I hope this post can help you or someone you know through your journey with loss. Please pass it along to those who it may support, and share any other resources and recommendations in the comment of this post.